My Life Experience

I was born in Phoenix Arizona in 1956, the youngest of three sons. My brothers are 11 and 13 years older than I. My dad was in the insurance business and my mother was a homemaker. My aunt Alice was an amateur photographer and captured much of my youth in pictures. I am told I was a happy baby, very well mannered and good natured as a toddler.

I was about 9 years old when this picture was taken. We had recently moved to a new house in a new neighborhood. My dad and I went to "Indian Guides" together. Already I knew I was different. I was absolutely fixated on the boys and their dads. The first time we all took showers after swimming, I laid awake confused by what I was feeling. Kids at school had me pegged. I enjoyed playing with the girls more than the boys. The label "queer" was popular then and became my second name. My mother was also aware and became very anxious. She, more than dad, attempted to "butch me up"..

With mom's help, I was encouraged to sign up for little league. What a disaster that was! I was placed in the right field. My teammates and I all prayed the ball wouldn't come to me. The attempt at making me "macho" didn't end here. Mom and dad signed me up for 8 weeks at a wrangling camp. They spent money they didn't have to send me to Orme Ranch. I hated it! I had to saddle horses and sleep in tents and, of course, put up with taunting from kids and counselors alike. My fascination with boys and men continued, as did my feelings of shame and inadequacy. I was sure I was the only boy on the planet experiencing these feelings.

I am about 14 in this picture. My seventh and eighth grade years were the worst. I was feeling so lost in this straight world. My hormones were raging but in the "wrong" direction and I knew it! I prayed God would make me "normal". My mom had the pediatrician give me a talk. It is hard to convey the intensity of the anxiety I felt. I did everything in my power to convince him and my mother that everything was fine. Thankfully, my dad and I were close. He was my saving grace. We'd play board games and cards for hours on the weekends. He took me on a week long vacation to Laguna Beach. I had a blast riding the waves and spending time with him. For that week, I was able to forget the name calling and fear I experienced every day at school.

Things started to turn around for me in high school. I made some new friends who knew nothing of the "queer" boy with "elephant ears". I got a '66 Pontiac convertible and finally found a peer group! I started dating girls during my sophomore year. I learned how to act and behave just like a "normal" guy! My secret was well defended. Thank God for that "stage" of adolescent discovery that "all boys go through". I had some good buddies and when we couldn't pick up any chicks, we improvised! During my junior year I went to a tent revival and "got saved". It was a life changing experience for me. I just knew God was gonna handle my "problem". I met and went steady with a very sweet girl. So many nights I lay awake talking to Jesus. He loved me and forgave me for my "secret". I wanted so badly for all of this to be real!

.By the end of my senior year, I almost had myself convinced that, with the help of God, I had conquered my "problem". I had a great girlfriend with whom I had many wonderful times, including backpacking through Europe. I believe my proper Episcopalian mother was secretly so thrilled by my progress, she paid for me to spend the summer of 1975 traveling alone with my 18yo girlfriend. My best friend, Mark, and I had spent every summer together from 1970 to 1974. We practically lived at the lake, water-skiing and boating from dawn to dusk. I really loved Mark. Deep in my heart, I felt for him what I should have been feeling for my girlfriend. I wanted to be with him all the time. In the picture, we are dressed up and ready to pick up our dates for the big graduation dance. Mark was the first of several straight men for whom I longed but could never have. In my head and heart I was so confused. On the outside, I looked and acted so "normal", I began to believe it myself. I continued to keep a tight lid on my secret and besides, I had given it to God. I was sure He was going to take care of it.

I moved from Phoenix to attend college at UNC in Greeley, CO. I became involved with Campus Crusade for Christ. I led Bible studies and witnessed on campus. My best friend and late night coffee companion, Cathy, were almost inseparable. Never had I experienced such unconditional love. We hung out with a large group of Christians, - mostly guys. In retrospect I can see that many of them were probably also fellow "strugglers". Cathy fit in just like one of the guys. She was a nonpretentions farm girl, didn't wear makeup and was genuinely pure. At the end of my sophomore year, I proposed to her. She was a graduating senior and I didn't want to lose my best friend. I also thought God was leading and healing me. Although they were shocked, my parents were supportive. All of my closest friends, including Mark, were in the wedding.

Things went smoothly for about a year. However, I was acutely aware of the fact that my "problem" had not gone away. I continued to have "impure thoughts" and instead of going away, they seemed to be getting stronger. I finally confided to a close friend what I had never admitted to anyone, including myself. I began to wonder if I was a homosexual. My friend encouraged me to seek therapy from a Christian psychologist at Bethel college. He treated my "condition" with psychotherapy and aversive conditioning, a.k.a. electric shock therapy. I had to tell Cathy my secret. She was supportive and very scared. Together we prayed God would use this therapist and the horrible shock treatments to finally rid me of my "shameful condition". I went through 40 grueling sessions and a fair wad of cash, pleading with God to set me free.

Cathy and I went full force into the "ex-gay" movement naming and claiming my healing. I knew the shock treatments, though effective while I was undergoing them, were slowly wearing off. I sought the counsel of a charismatic Lutheran minister in the Twin Cities. He suggested there were demons at work and asked me to go to the altar for a ceremony of divine deliverance, a.k.a. exorcism. Faithfully I renounced Satan in all his works and all his ways. He warned me "not to entertain any impure thoughts and to 'stand firm', lest seven demons come in where the one was cast out". This experience was more frightening than comforting. I was directed to Outpost ministry where I was told I had more to offer them than they had to offer me. Once again I attempted to bury the "sinful desires". Confident God was at work, I agreed to come on full-time staff with Outpost.

As the director of Outpost, I was often called upon to share the story of my healing and deliverance from homosexuality. I received calls from the producers of the Donahue Show and the Geraldo Show. Both times I turned them down fearing the national exposure of even my "ex-gay" story would bring shame to my mother. She was devastated when I told her my story and asked "why, if you're healed, did you have to tell me this?" Since she was in Phoenix, I did feel comfortable sharing my testimony all around the Midwest. Being married and a college graduate gave me credibility the "ex-gay" movement was looking for. I taught at several national conferences of Exodus, International. I was very sincere and truly wanted to grow closer to God and walk in freedom from homosexuality.

The picture above was taken outside the OUTPOST offices. To my left is my ex-wife, Cathy, she was the Assistant Director of OUTPOST at the time. Next to Cathy is Carolyn, our volunteer secretary, a wonderfully dedicated woman. Next is Sheryl Rorvig, the Director of Women's Counseling who remains one of my closest friends. Ed Hurst, the original cofounder of OUTPOST, is on the far right.

We worked well together as a team. We presented a united front to the public but privately would question and challenge each other. In good natured ways, we frequently bantered and debated various aspects of our ministry and mission. We didn't keep secrets. As a team we were aware of each other's progress in the "healing" process. I think it was our honesty and openness that allowed us to ask the difficult questions. We wanted God's will and we wanted the truth. I don't think Sheryl, Ed and I ever intended to present ourselves as totally healed heterosexuals. We saw it as a "battle" more like fighting an addiction. We continued to believe, that as we remained faithful, God would bring us further and further into "wholeness". Which, in the long run, is exactly what He did!

Cook had been on the Donahue show and was a popular and sought after speaker by Exodus International and other organizations. This is just another example showing that marriage, impressive credentials, and notoriety do not make the "ex-gay" claims true. Thus, I am not currently impressed by so-called "former homosexuals" married to "former lesbians", mugging for Newsweek and doing the talk show circuit and then sneeking out to Mr. P's gay bar in D.C. "just to see if anything had changed in 15 years" .

The leaders of "ex-gay" ministries stayed in fairly close contact. Pictured here are Colin Cook and Kent Paris. Both were directors of now defunked "ex-gay" organizations. I became especially intrigued by Cook's work. He cofounded Homosexuals Anonymous. He was much more bold than most of us at that time. He proclaimed he was absolutely 100% heterosexual by the grace of God. I flew out to Reading, PA and stayed with he and his wife, Sharon, and attended his intensive week long training. He was a prolific writer, speaker and counselor. He published a series of tapes on overcoming homosexuality. Years later, a progay Adventist group, "Kinship", was instrumental in exposing Cook as a fraud. Over a dozen former clients testified that Cook had become sexually inappropriate with them during the course of their treatment. Cook was forced to resign from his ministry and close it down.

After the demise of Colin Cook, I turned next to the work of the British academic Elizabeth Moberly. She had three published books and a fresh approach to healing. She taught that homosexuality was a reparative drive. Her very involved psychodynamic theory is the basis for what has come to be known as "reparative therapy". I devoured her writings and became convinced that she, more than anyone else, really understood the homosexual dilemma. Most of the other "ex-gay" leadership were equally intrigued. Elizabeth was kind enough to come to America, stay with Cathy and me, and put on conferences both in Minneapolis and Seattle. We had numerous talks and spoke candidly about my own challenges and the difficulties most people I knew were having in attempting to overcome their homosexuality.