It had only been about a year since I realized that the desires I had, to be held and loved by a man, actually had a name. At the same time I learned that those desires are not socially acceptable to most people. In my faith tradition homosexuality was one of the most horrible sins someone could commit. I can recall hearing my own minister loudly declaring from the pulpit, "Homosexuality is an abomination to God punishable by death! We must rid the world of this sickness that is overcoming mankind. We must protect our children." I feared it was to late for me. There was no way out. No hope at all until I heard Dennis Jernigan.
Dennis told the congregation how God had miraculously set him free from homosexuality. I listened intently. Maybe there is hope for me. If God can take this away from Dennis Jernigan then I'm sure He can do the same for me. At that moment I set out on a quest to find freedom. I began praying and asking God to heal me. I read my Bible more diligently. I constantly read Christian books and listened to Christian teaching tapes. I never missed a service at church. I became a leader in my youth group. I started a Christian club at school. I watched Christian television and only listened to Christian music. Maybe if I did enough for God He would take these sinful homosexual thoughts out of my mind, but the torment never let up.
As I grew older the suffering grew worse. Would I ever find freedom? Every chance I had I would have people pray for me. I went through "deliverance" trying to have demons cast out of me. I had big name televangelists lay hands on me to set me free. Countless nights I would cry myself to sleep begging God to change me. Nothing seemed to help at all.
On the outside I led the perfect Christian life. I didn't drink or go to parties. I witnessed about my faith. I never cursed. I didn't have sex. I didn't even date. I was the one parents always trusted their children to hang out with. But night after night when I was all alone I knew the truth. I had a secret sin. One that seemed unpardonable. All though I had never acted on my desires, in my mind I constantly imagined what it would be like to be held by another man, or to kiss another man, or more. I feared I would be unable to hold back my feeling much longer.
By my freshman year of college I heard about an "ex-gay" counseling ministry in Oklahoma City that claimed they could transform a person into a normal heterosexual. I began attending both individual counseling sessions as well as a group session once week. The program did little then encourage me to continue what I had already been doing for the past six years. Pray, read the Bible, avoid evil and temptation, and try to be as straight as possible. I stuck with the program for about a year until I had finished their "Living Waters" curriculum. It had supposedly helped "thousands", but I was just as gay when I left as when I started.
I was reaching the end of my rope. I didn't know what else to do. At this point giving in to my desires was not an option. I believed to do that would mean condemning myself to hell for all eternity. I wanted to be healed just like Dennis Jernigan. I wanted to be set free and able to marry a woman and have a family just like my ex-gay counselors. Why did God love them more then me? Why did He set them free and leave me dieing? I decided the only way to prove to others that I had been good enough do deserve God's healing was to just pretend He had healed me.
May 25, 1997 I began sharing a new story of how God had "set me free of homosexuality". I shared with my family, and told my best friends. I even began to travel to different churches across Oklahoma and eventually in to Missouri, Arkansas, and Kansas preaching and telling them how God had "set me free". I decided if that if I was going to claim to be free I might as well marry a woman, start a family, and grow my ministry all on the basis that I was an "ex-gay". The whole time I knew on the inside I was living a lie, and every moment I dug my grave deeper and deeper.
Luckily, I somehow got hold of a book written by Rev. Mel White called Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. As I read the book, it felt as if Mel had written about my own story. He explained how for years he had struggled to be free from homosexuality and nothing ever worked. He described his love for God, and how he developed a successful ministry. How he married a wonderful woman and raised a family. All the time denying his true self. Eventually he could live a lie no longer. He left his wife and children and began living as a gay man.
He continues his story detailing how eventually he also came to terms with his faith, and came to believe God loves him just as he is. Unfortunately the latter part of his story did not quite sink in to me. All I could focus on was how he had left his family and lost his ministry. Those were two things I did not want to happen to me, but I felt they were inevitable. I knew eventually I would not be able to hide my true feelings any more. I would end up destroying my family and my ministry. In my heart I believed that there was only one way to prevent such a tragedy. I would never let any of it happen in the first place. I could not get married or have a family. I would discontinue my ministry. And I would embrace "the gay lifestyle". To do this would mean eternal damnation, but in my mind I was sacrificing my life for that of my future family and those involved with my ministry.
Within only one week of making this decision, I told my family and friends that I had been living a lie. They all knew how hard I had fought to be set free, and like me they all believed I would be destined for hell if I gave into me sexual desires. Many tried to get me to change me mind, but I assured them I had made my decision and it was the only way. Some refused to speak to me. Others like my grandmother wrote me letters and constantly called me on the phone begging me not to give up. My grandmother even made the statement that if I was going to hell then she wanted to go too, because heaven would not be heaven for her with out me there.
The pain was worse now then ever. Not only had I lost my dream to have a wife and children, I had also lost my dream to have a ministry. I had lost my friends. I had lost my family. I had lost my God. I had lost my total reality. I came extremely close to taking my own life.
On a particular Sunday morning in January of 1999 I found myself in church. The denomination really makes no difference. I believe were ever I would have been that day God would have found me. Near the end of the service the minister lifted up a piece of bread and the cup of wine that was to be used for communion, and she said, "These are the gifts of God for the People of God." Suddenly my heart leaped inside me. I realize that I had come to God's house, and He was asking me to eat at His table. In that instant I knew God loved me. I knew He wanted to be apart of my life no matter who I was. I knew unlike my friends and family He would never turn me away. Now that I had finally given up trying to be good enough for God, He was able to help me understand He loves and created me just the way I am. Finally my search for freedom was over. Now I am finally free.
Although I knew God loved me, my hope to have my own family, a ministry, and a continued relationship with my friends and family members had all been lost. God had to bring me to a point where I lost everything, so that I could realize He was the One who had found me all along.
Within only a few months of telling my friends and family that I had decided to embrace being gay, they returned to me. Initially many of them ran as fast as they could away from me, but after realizing that God truly had embraced me just as I am they came running back. I am so blessed to have friends and family who listen to the voice of God showing them He accepted me and it was time for them to do the same.
Likewise my hope for ministry has returned as well. I had believed that as soon as I embraced my sexual orientation that God would take my calling and gifts away. I found the opposite was true. Now I am free to be all God has called me to be with out reservation and with out living a lie. Door after door constantly opens for me to minister to churches and community groups. Individuals needing understanding and support through similar situations that I faced are constantly crossing my path. My ultimate desire to plant and pastor a church seems more feasible now then ever. It's just a matter of waiting on God's timing.
Most of all, my dream to have a wonderful spouse and children are being fulfilled. My partner Jared and I celebrated our one-year anniversary on August 11. Jared is a dream come true. We are truly in love, but most of all he loves God. He supports my dreams of ministry. He is the perfect helpmate. We both desire to have children of our own as well. As you can see God has restored what the locust have eaten! He truly cares for all of us.
Many people ask me, "What about what the Bible says regarding homosexuality?" It's simply a matter of interpretation. The seven passages that have been used to condemn homosexuality by many theologians have all been answered and shown not to condemn homosexuality by many other theologians. It's just a matter of now one interprets the Bible. I am not a Bible scholar, but I do know my experience with God. He has accepted me just the way I am. I am a child of God. He loves me. He bought me with the price of the precious blood of His dear Son. He has called me to minister His unconditional grace and love to all who will listen. Regardless what anyone tells me about God's ideas about homosexuality, I know what I have experienced. I know God is happy with me. He sings over me with His love, and I constantly sing back to Him.
--Corey H.
My dad was fantastic for my mom and I was glad to have a dad but I can't say that we were very close. I mostly respected him and, to some extent, feared him. He did something that I respect and love him a lot for -- he adopted me and my sister and we carry his name. But I don't recall doing a lot with him though one especially fond memory is that when I had a paper route, he would get up and take me in the car during days when we had especially foul weather.
During my childhood, I slowly came to the conclusion that I wasn't like the other guys. I didn't care for sports and I prefered to play with dolls and do things that were more arts oriented. I socialized easily with girls and enjoyed their company. I got involved in singing and playing an instrument. God knows I tried to get into sports doing little league baseball, wrestling and football in junior high and track in high school, but nothing ever stuck. I just wasn't any good at any of those things and I didn't enjoy them. Over time, I got comfortable with the fact that I was a bookworm and decided that I just wasn't cut out for athletics. By the time I was 13 or 14 I found myself increasingly attracted to guys but worked really hard at keeping it under cover. I thought of it in terms of being naughty and having dirty thoughts and I worried more about getting caught in my clumsy explorations than thinking through the long-term implications. Growing up in a small, rural town in the midwest, being "queer" was the worst thing that other people could think of you.
At 16, I finally admitted to myself openly that I did like guys and decided to seek help. I had read an article in Ann Landers or Dear Abby that you should talk to your minister or your parents and just be honest. I opted for the minister. I called the minister at the Methodist church that I attended and asked for an appointment. My heart was pounding when I met with him and told him about my feelings and asked what I should do. One suggestion he made caught me by surprise -- he asked if I wanted to pray about it. My thought was: "what good is that going to do?" but being a good, obediant, mid-western kid, I didn't say that. Instead, I told him "sure" and he prayed for me. He also encouraged me to talk to my parents.
I couldn't imagine talking to my dad about something like this but I thought I could talk to my mom. Beforehand, I had visions of her being really supportive and loving and that telling her would make a giant load fall from my shoulders and that it would then all be better. I sat down with her at the kitchen table and I held her hand when i told her. Her hand felt lifeless and cold. I did feel relief at getting through telling her but I didn't feel like things were now somehow magically alright. Instead, I still felt alone with "my problem" and the future frightened me and I was confused that none of the things I was told to do were making me feel any better.
My mom talked to the school counselor and arranged for me to talk to him. I realize now that this was wierd because the guy was the career counselor, not somebody with psychological credentials, but I didn't understand the sublties at the time. A counselor is a counselor, right? I had a meeting with him and explained that I wanted to see a doctor, maybe somebody who could help me find the right kind of help. It was really awkward because I had to tell him what *kind* of help I needed. In my young imagination, the government had facilities staffed with Doctors who "knew just what to do" for anything that might come up. I thought that my feelings for guys was surely just one of those things. If I just got connected to the right Doctor, they'd be able to fix me up with therapy or the right pills or something and then I'd be able to live my life normally.
About that time, my church had a lay-witness mission during which I made a decision to follow Christ. This was a significant event in my life and for the first time, I felt that there was something real and absolute I could hold on to. Shortly afterwards, I had a meeting with a psychologist that the counselor had contacted. With a good deal of hope, I explained my situation and then I waited for him to tell me how he could help me get fixed. I was completely unprepared for his response which was, in effect, "that's the way you are and why don't you just accept it?" He told me that "lots of people live their lives that way -- why don't you?" But that wasn't the answer I wanted to hear and I decided that if the medical establishment couldn't help me, surely God would.
For a year and a half of the time remaining in high school, I pursued my faith walk energetically. I was known as a Jesus freak and that was fine with me. I was involved in weekly youth Bible studies, other lay-witness missions, a Catholic Charismatic prayer group and more. But nothing ever changed the feelings I had for guys as evidenced by the dreams that I had.
During my senior year, realizing that I had to make plans for after High School, I signed up for the Navy. The August following graduation, I went to boot camp. I followed up at a technical school at a Naval Shipyard in California. I attended a pentecostal church there and met a girl who was senior in High School. I asked her out on a date and she agreed, which was pretty surprising in retrospect because this was a Navy town and "nice girls" didn't go out with sailors, but she did. And we had more dates and in a few weeks we were talking about marriage.
We got engaged a month after our first date and got married 3 months later. I graduated from technical school and we moved to another city in California where I was stationed on a ship. Over the next few years, we had three children. After seven years, I got out of the Navy and finished college by going to night school.
The company I worked for offered me a position in Oklahoma. Being of mid-western stock, I was happy to move to someplace that had discernable seasons and cheaper cost of living. I've lived here ever since then.
Up until October, 2002 I wasn't out and I didn't know if I ever would be. Even though I am almost exclusively attracted to my own gender, I love the woman I married and I care very much for the vows I took, even though I don't have a perfect track record in that area.
I remember thinking that if I were to come out, a lot of people would be hurt, especially my wife and children. The main thing that bothered me at that stage of my life was integrity. At times I felt like I was playing a masquerade and that the people that I cared about -- that I worked with, that I went to church with, that I socialized with -- didn't really know the *real* me (and never would).
But -- I had *the talk* with my wife mid-October. I finally told her that after all the years of trying, I didn't see myself changing and that I had little hope for a future for us together. This was a terrifically hard thing to do and to find the right words to say because, as I've said, I love my wife. But I know that she deserves better than someone who feels that at his core being, he can't fulfill the role of a husband because he's just not wired that way. After a few days of pondering this -- having some of the best, most honest if painful conversations we've ever had, ironically -- we decided that divorce was the only reasonable way forward.
We conveyed the news to our children in person. It has not been easy or painless. We have all cried and grieved through what seems like death. My children are hurt and wonder if their whole growing up experience was simply a lie. Though they arguably knew us best, they had absolutely no glimmer of what was true below the surface and the divorce and my struggle and my infidelity came at a complete and shocking surprise to them -- a triple whammey. What I and my wife have been processing for many, many years they have been simply overwhelmed in the space of days and weeks.
I don't know how it will turn out but however it does, I know that there are no more secrets and that my children and close family now know me for the man I really am. What they see on the outside reflects the reality on the inside. I can now live in integrity.
We divorced, sold our house and I moved to Houston, TX for a new job and the chance to start my life anew. I am settling down and am going a reconciling church where I can be completely myself as I integrate my whole being with my walk with Christ. I've built up friendships with people all over the country that are precious to me and I'm re-inventing myself physically as well. For so long I would not have believed that I could simply be "myself" and now living like this feels *good*.
In the past few months I have met a few young men who desire the dream -- to settle down and have children with the house in the suburbs and all that our culture encourages us to want; so much so that I've heard over and over again the willingness to try suppressing their natural attractions and meet and marry a woman so that they can have that. I write this as a cautionary tale to those considering marriage as a way out of experiencing same-gender attraction. As much as I wanted it to, it didn't work for me. So, if you're considering marriage as a way out of the feelings you're experiencing, or as a means to achieve the dream of normalcy, consider my experience. In the end, you'll be faced with the quandry I've just described. Rather, do the courageous thing and be honest and don't set yourself (and the people you care about) for hurt later on. I encourage you instead to come out, be *yourself* and consider working for political change via HRC and in your own locale for equality in civil rights with respect to family issues.
