Kent had an innocence and love for God that was pure and sweet. His
spirit was gentle and compassionate. We connected quickly at a spiritual
level. We could talk and pray together for hours. He introduced me to the
music of John Michael Talbot, an incredibly talented (and handsome)
Franciscan brother. We shared similar experiences we came to call the
"Holy Spirit tingles". They were unexpected waves of energy that would
flow through our bodies from the backs of our necks and down through our
extremities. We took them to be an assurance of God's love and direction.
It wasn't long before people around us became concerned about the intensity
of our relationship. I was insanely jealous of anyone else who liked Kent and
wanted to spend time with him.
Kent and I were trying to "flesh out" Moberly's theory of reparative
therapy. We allowed ourselves to fall deeply in love and to share every
level of spiritual, emotional and physical closeness but strove not to
sexualize the experience. We thought we were becoming best friends like
Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. We consoled ourselves by reading the
Biblical accounts of Jonathan and David. In them we saw that David's
love for Jonathan "exceeded the love a man has for a woman". We also
felt comfort in the gospel recording of Jesus love for his disciple John.
Predictably, the tension between emotional closeness and sexual longing
became too fierce. We began to allow ourselves to hug and hold one
another. I felt feelings I had never felt before. Everything in me felt right.
The first time we kissed each other passionately I thought I was going to lose
control. The feelings of fulfillment, comfort, love and wholeness flooded over
me and through me. How could anything that felt so right be so wrong?
One night when Cathy was out of town, Kent and I crossed the sexual
boundary. The passion of the sexual experience was rivaled only by the
severity of the guilt.
Together we confessed to Cathy what had happened. Her tears of pain
were piercing to our souls. We fully expected she would demand that we
stop seeing one another but instead she told us we needed to continue
seeking God's healing and truth. In addition to her pain, Cathy forcefully
expressed her anger . She was clear in her admonition that we clean up our
act. We agreed together that I needed to get back into some therapy and
that for now, this was to remain a private matter. Several times in my
therapy I tried to end my relationship with Kent. We would agree to have
no contact for weeks at a time. The depression I sank into was visible to
everyone.
This process went on for several years. We were trying to deal with the
complexities of: being leaders of a nationally recognized exgay ministry;
being married with a young child; having our finances dependent
completely on the ministry; having conflicting passions and beliefs; feeling
responsible for the hope and happiness of so many people who looked up
to us; and, more than anything, wanting to please God. During the course
of these years we "confessed" our situation to the OUPOST Board and to
the president of Exodus, International. I became weary of the constant
emotional turmoil and humiliation. A personal tragedy stuck in my
extended family which challenged and exhausted me further. I believe it
was in the Spring of 1985 that I had a breakdown of sorts and took a
several month leave of absence from OUTPOST.
It was during my time away from the ministry that I came across a book
that challenged me and ultimately gave me the courage I needed to change
the course of my life. In the Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck writes
about things like: accepting responsibility; delaying gratification; having
integrity and seeking and speaking the truth. It became clear to me that I
was living and perpetrating a lie. I knew that, for me, the road less
traveled involved accepting that I was not a former homosexual and that I
needed to resign my position with OUTPOST. Cathy was coming to the
same conclusions. We knew about other leaders who were also
"struggling", we knew that clients we were seeing were not changing their
sexual orientation.
When I write my book, I will go into greater detail about the years between leaving
OUTPOST and finally accepting that Cathy and I needed to divorce. During these years,
Kent, Cathy and I made a joint decision to adopt another child. Our precious daughter
Rachel joined the family in December of 1987. In January of 1989 Cathy and I stopped
living together and Kent and I fully embraced our love and commitment as gay men.
